News of the World, Grossology Edition

Many of you enjoyed the News of the World post I did a long time ago, where I posted up some interesting news from different parts of the world. I’ll try a Take 2 of this here, but for some reason some of the news I’ve found have been a lot more gross than interesting…

1. Man’s belly brews own beer

A 61-year-old man showed up in hospital in Texas one day with a blood alcohol concentration of 0.37% even though he had not had a drop to drink at all. His wife said that he would often get drunk out of the blue, especially after exercise or not eating.

It turns out he has gut fermentation syndrome. He had been a home brewer of beer and had been regularly exposed to brewer’s yeast, which had found its way to his gut and happily fermented away on any carbohydrate-rich food he ate. What was the treatment? Anti-fungal medication and a strict no-sugar, no-carbohydrate and no-alcohol diet during the period of his recovery.

I can’t begin to imagine how dangerous it must be to be involuntarily drunk at anytime of the day. Not only is there a high chance of liver cirrhosis, there’s also a high chance of a car accident, or just very bad social behaviour. Gross!

2. Convicted animal abuser eaten by own dogs

No, no, I can’t stand all this hideousness anymore. I promise you I’m going to look for completely safe news after this one.

So basically this woman has been charged with counts of animal cruelty previously, and she really loves to transport dogs and keep them at home. She had a whopping 184 dogs in her premises in 1999 and refused to sterilise them, meaning the numbers continued growing, and growing. And she began to have wolf-dog hybrids as pets.

And it seems she died of illness one day, quite alone. And her numerous dogs, with no food to eat, decided to consume their matchmaker. Authorities found only a skull and jawbone at her home.

No, I can’t go on anymore. Moving on to the next article!

3. Nigerian grad student uses magnets to prove gay marriage is wrong

This article is also disgusting. Disgustingly brainless, that is.

Apparently some award-winning student shows in his experiments that the like poles of magnets repel each other. This shows that “man cannot attract another man because they are the same, and a woman should not attract a woman because they are the same. That is how I used physics to prove gay marriage wrong.” His words.

And it seems he didn’t stop there. Mathematics have also enlightened him about the same principle. I shall copy-paste the block here because I cannot bear to read it again.

In mathematics which is another core area of science, I used what is called the principle of commutativity and idepotency. Commutativity in mathematics is simply the arrangement of numbers or arrangement of letters in which the way you arrange them don’t matter. For example, if you say A + B in mathematics you are going to have B + A. For example, if I say two plus three it will give five. If I start from three, I say three plus two it also give you five showing that two plus three and three plus two are commutative because they gave the same results. That shows that A + B will give you B + A, you see that there is a change. In A + B, A started the journey while in B + A, B started the journey. If we use A as a man and use B as a woman we are going to have B + A that is woman and man showing that there is a reaction. A + B reacted, they interchanged and gave us B + A showing that commutativity obeys that a man should not marry a man and a woman should not marry a woman. If you use idempotency, it’s a reaction in mathematics where A + A = A. Actually in abstract algebra, A + A =2A but we are less concerned with the numerical value two. We are more less concerned with the symbols A, you find out that A + A will give you A showing that the whole thing goes unchanged. It didn’t change unlike commutativity A + B give B + A there is a change. A started the journey in commutativity and A + B gave us B + A and B started the journey after the equality sign. But in the case of idempotency A + A will give you A showing that it goes unreacted. You started with A and you meet A ,the final result is A. Showing that a man meeting a man A + A will produce a man there is no reaction, it goes unreacted and in chemical engineering you have to send the material back to the reactor for the action to be carried out again showing that it goes unreacted. That is how mathematics has shown that gay marriage is wrong because commutativity proves that gay marriage is wrong. Idempotency also proves that gay marriage is wrong. So these are the principles I have used to prove gay marriage wrong in physics, chemistry, biology, mathematics and by the grace of God I am the only one that has proved this in the whole world.

However, this news source came from a largely incredible site, and so I shall take it that they made this story up and are being prejudiced against Africans. Those dicks. I hope it was an interesting tale nonetheless, and taught you much about science.

4. Sex shop forced to close due to lack of “kinky” locals

Have you heard of the town of Aberystwyth?

It is a seaside town at the west of Wales where the Prince of Wales went to study Welsh for a term in the university in 1969. And recently a sex shop opened which garnered not a lot of sales at all. The shopkeeper guesses that the locals just aren’t kinky enough, and no one wanted her sex toys and erotic literature.

The locals themselves said that the way they did the shop window display wasn’t overtly sexual, but rather quite sadly comical. And there were elderly couples going up to peer through the shop windows, which can never be a good sign for trade.

Such a very pure and idyllic-sounding town. I might consider going there for my retirement.

5. Male Dallas Zoo Gorilla To Get Therapy For Sexist Attitude

ROFL, take that, male chauvinist pigs!

It seems a gorilla named Patrick will be taken to South Carolina for therapy after biting one female gorilla and sneering at a few others. He’ll be living the bachelor life in there, which is known for working with gorillas with behavioural problems.

The zoo where he’ll be going to, known as the Riverbanks Zoo, says that initially Patrick will be separated from the zoo’s 3 other male gorillas, but will be able to see and smell them. Eventually he’ll be introduced to them and they may just live together in a spacious wooded “bachelor pad”. Goodness their wording is just cute.

It seems there’s reason for Patrick’s behaviour. He was abandoned by his mother at birth and transferred to the Toronto Zoo where he was hand-raised by a male of about the same age. He probably just hates all women because of his mother complex! Aww, the poor motherless kid.

The article also reported that he got on well with humans and tolerably with other males. He just makes an abusive husband, I suppose.

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